100% Consensus

“It’s okay, everything will be okay,” is one of the many generic consolations someone might receive from friends, family, strangers, or even themselves. Maybe it’s after a flunked test, a stressful weekend, or a college response. But the next time someone says this seemingly harmless phrase, think about it carefully: is it inflicting positivity or toxicity?

On the surface, “it’s okay, everything will be okay” may seem overarchingly helpful. Especially in moments when someone is feeling down, the reassurance and comfort that these simple words can momentarily create are more than enough to uplift their mood and help them push through or endure through personal struggles and negative emotions. But unintentionally, these words also have the power to push individuals away because instead of giving someone a chance to process and share their valid emotions of sadness and pain, these words close the door for closure. As shown in a survey conducted by Science of People, it was reported that only 25.3% of people had ever heard of the term. Out of them, almost 70% of the people claimed to have experienced toxic positivity in the last week. In this sense, toxic positivity is like the iceberg that sank the invincible Titanic: hidden underneath the surface-level offering of consolation and sympathy, the bottom two-thirds of the phrase becomes an uncalled for silencing that washes a tide of false reassurance and invalidation over the receiver of the words.

So how can we erase this toxic positivity? To do it we must understand its roots.

The phenomenon of toxic positivity is perpetuated by the false notion that positive emotions and negative emotions are mutually exclusive when in reality, the ability to feel genuine happiness is actually derived from the ability to process and accept all our emotions, even the negative ones. Between these two things, it’s also important to realize that being happy and avoiding our negative emotions are not the same things. While happiness has led to enhanced health and lifestyles in multiple scientific studies, downplaying or outright neglecting negative emotions have been shown to cause deterioration of mental and physical health instead.

Applying this knowledge, it’s easier to understand how telling oneself or others that “it’s okay, everything will be okay,” is contributing to the delegitimization of internal dilemmas and not dissolving the negative tensions that someone is carrying around. In short, it’s not enough. Instead, a better alternative would be to follow up “it’ll be okay” with steps that can make it okay, and turn toxic positivity into problem-solving and empowering.

To do this one can use their personal problems to channel a solutions-focused mindset. Reflect on why and identify the cause. Why do I feel this way? What is the source of my negativity? Then, focus specifically on the “so what”, the solution. Since dwelling in the past and present problems will not automatically fix anything, look into the future to find a tangible solution or action that can work towards solving the problem. This process may create discomfort but growth and improvement don’t come automatically without effort or cost. Remember that having a solutions-focused mindset also doesn’t automatically equate to certain problems going away immediately. Instead, it can take many phases of trial and error to find the correct formula. With that being so, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, and more importantly, know that asking for help from counselors, therapists, or any trusted adults and friends is an option. Having a solutions-focused mindset is also applicable to non-interpersonal interactions. When talking to others, don’t just express empathy but also ask if there are things, within appropriate range, that can be done to help.

As midterms are rounding the corner and stress levels are at an all-time high, students too can feel more agency by practicing a personalized solutions-focused mindset. Instead of perfecting every skill and class, set realistic goals. Build a to-do list with time estimates of how long to invest in individual tasks. Instead of studying non-stop, get sufficient sleep, study breaks, and time with family and friends.