I have a tendency to refrain from opening up and talking about my personal life and my feelings. My thought process is that everyone has their own problems so why should I have to weigh other people down with my problems and my situations? That rationale and way of thinking is childish; most people care and want to help. Even if they can’t, just talking about your problems and anything holding you down is incredibly beneficial.

My often unperturbed and serene composure during most occasions has been both a blessing and a curse. We’re all able to internalize and process things to some degree, and I have the ability to internalize almost everything, but there’s a point where it gets to be too much. At that point, my secure wall of genuine happiness breaks down and I start to become someone I’m not. My negativity affects others and I can feel myself being a buzzkill.

I’m not a fragile person but when something is getting me down, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I sometimes push that negativity onto others who don’t deserve it. In the past year and a half, I have lost multiple very close friends. After each person died, I thought to myself that I won’t form any more bonds with people, it’ll only set me up to be broken again and it’s simply not worth it and that my feelings are more important than caring for people. This way of thinking is simply not acceptable. We need people and we need love to function. Not only do we just need people, we need to trust them and make the most out of them.

Even though there’s nothing I or anyone else can do to change what happened or to get anyone back, it’s good to have people to talk to and it’s good to confide in others I’ve come to realize and accept the fact that I am not responsible for anyone’s death and I should not hold myself down because they’re gone now.

I’m not saying that you should go around running around with all of your problems and sharing it with everyone you see, but it’s important to find the few people that you can really trust and can confide in because internalizing all of your problems is not a good idea. It can be too much. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself, but trying to keep everything to yourself is simply not a good idea, the pressure and gravity of it all will slowly eat you away until you’re left with no more motivation to do anything.

The concept of opening up can be scary and I can relate to that. I’m not trying to hide behind a layer of super-masculinity or anything like that, it’s just my nature to keep things quiet. I don’t want to make others feel sorry for me and I definitely don’t want to weigh people down with my problems and my emotions.