Today has been a journey, a rollercoaster full of ups and downs, highs and lows, pinnacles and pitfalls. My mental and physical state has been put to trial. I experienced both fortune and loss that I will not soon forget. Today I drank five different flavors of Monster Energy and filled out a detailed table on their qualities. Here is where I stand.
At the BP gas station today I selected the Monsters most qualified for the job. First I of course had to grab a classic black and green can of the original. What type of review would this be without the firstborn of the monster family? Next, I grabbed a Mango Loco, for it has the most visually intriguing can along with a delicious claim to a mango flavor. After that the pink Pipeline Punch, the flavor that has developed the most clout among Generation Z. Finally I grabbed a Pacific Punch because it had pirates on the can and none of the other cans had fun nautical themed illustrations on them like that. While checking out, the gas station man pointed out the most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen in my life outside the window. This may seem to be an unimportant detail, but beauty is a thing that should be shared. Now if you happen to hold acute attention to detail you may have noticed that I just bought four Monster Energy’s when I earlier said that I drank five. I have not lied to you. I did drink five, later in the day after drinking all of the other Monsters my companion and I decided that we needed one more can to fully immerse ourselves in the monster experience. We returned to the same BP and purchased a white can of Monster Zero Ultra. I’m not sure which can in specific led to our downfall, but it may have been that icy white drink.

Aesthetics:
Starting with aesthetics Monster Energy produces a fairly attractive can. Each can tends to stick to color palette and keeps in mind basic rules of design. The classic monster stays classic with its iconic green monster slash on a black background. This design, more than any of the others, really accentuates the fact that the logo is in fact not three snakes that live as walking canes, but claw marks made presumably by a quite energized monster. I am forced to take away points from the classic can due to the fact that it blatantly sells out and smacks a big old ad right on the side, proving that fame doesn’t come through talent alone. The classic receives a couple of points back from the ad upon closer inspection when one recognizes that this ad for the videogame Halo offers gamers a bonus 2XP if they enter the code. At least it cares about the Halo players.
Mango Loco is by far the most attractive of the cans. It’s blue and covered in dancing skeletons celebrating Cinco de Mayo with orange flowers. They use a fun, admittedly not attractive, but still fun font for the description of the energy juice, and put the nutritional facts on an even more fun illustration of a scroll. Unfortunately, this can is both the most pretty and the most problematic as it’s using a traditional holiday treasured by a culture in a marketing move.
The Pacific Punch is second in line for interesting can design. It’s got a boatload of sailor tattoo-style graphics that I really enjoy. There are pirates, rope, and an angry shark that makes me smile. My only wish is that when they chose the primary color centered palette that they recognized a yellow-beige can doesn’t make the drink look the most appealing. One more questionable choice the design team made was writing in red the words, “Unleash the Salty Beast” which brought me to question if I was destined to drink a juice as salty as the pacific from which it was named.
Pipeline Punch is pink. I can imagine that draws some people in due to the pleasantness of its rosy hue. They can also have some very satisfying texture. There are thin white drawings of hibiscus flowers coating the can, presumably an allusion to the tropical flavors of passion fruit, orange, and guava it advertises within. All in all, though, it’s underwhelming in comparison to the Loco and Pacific.
Zero Ultra loses the visual game in my book. Yes, it might fit certain aesthetics better than its competitors, but as a stand-alone can it misses the mark. It’s white and has textured frost swirls. That’s it. I respect a clean design, I respect that it reflects the lightness of the Zero Ultra flavor, but that’s pretty much it.
Taste:
This is the category that is the real decider. Energy drinks aren’t known for their gourmet flavor and are looked down upon by many, but as far as energy drinks go I believe Monster brews a pretty tasty beverage. I started with the classic, as it only seemed just, and I was pleasantly surprised. I had never tasted it before and although it is definitely an acquired taste, I really enjoyed the battle between the fruity, appley, deodoranty, cotton candy-y flavors. One important note is that when drinking the classic, drink it out of the can and not out of a fancy glass like I did. Yes, you may feel refined and boujee, but you will also feel your nose burn because it smells like battery acid. Sugary-sweet battery acid, but battery acid all the same. Surprisingly Monster energy has an enjoyable mouthfeel. This isn’t a common description used in drinks, but Monster has this wonderful fizzy thing it does on your tongue that takes it up a notch. I would definitely consider getting another classic Monster Energy in the future on a special occasion. Maybe a comforting fall day when I want to visit a pumpkin patch or pick apples. This flavor isn’t explicitly an autumn beverage, but I would advocate for it if the topic ever came up.
After the classic Monster came the Mango Loco, and I won’t deny I was already biased toward this flavor. Mango Loco has been there in some of the most teen movie moments of my life, and I hold a place in my heart for its delightfully mango tinted juice. I mean not only is the can stunning, but the drink itself is as well. It’s the exact same color as Jumex mango nectar and it even has little fruit-like floaties that amp up the feeling of mango authenticity. Unlike the classic, it smells heavenly, and it tastes straight up like mango. It’s got everything. Even the wacky energy drink aftertaste is more manageable.
Pacific Punch is in no way manageable. Don’t drink this. It tastes like a pharmacist’s pitcher of red kool-aid. It’s got all the gross parts of your classic punch, plus an aftertaste that will haunt you like a poltergeist. It smells acceptable and looks a pleasant enough red, but once you drink it you will wish you had searched for your energy elsewhere. Thank God it wasn’t salty.
Pipeline Punch on the other hand brings honor to the punch name. It’s an adorable shade of apricot, smells like fruit, and tastes like candy. You can really taste the guava, which personally I find to be a wonderful flavor. After drinking it I understood the hype better.
Zero Ultra advertises itself as the light, zero sugar member of the monster family. The description on the can didn’t make the best first impression since it started off on a spiel about how ungrateful we are and how its freshness was made to appease us. This drink was boujee all the way through, as once I poured it I was shocked to discover that it’s straight-up white. White white. Of course, this made me want to drink it more since the only other liquid I can think of that’s white is coconut milk and cream. Zero Ultra is refreshing. It’s light just like it says, and I found that it tastes like mysterious sparkling water. Kindly this Monster pulls back hard on the aftertaste, and for that, I pardoned some of its initial hijinks.
Where I Stand:
Visualize me now. I stand atop a bountiful blue and orange mountain. It glistens in the sunlight. It is Mango Loco Monster. Mango Loco had won my heart even before this ordeal. I’m conflicted because the can is problematic and as a journalist, I want to leave my bias out of the equation, but through it all, Mango Loco has prevailed. I will stand by it.
Don’t drink five cans of Monster Energy. You can do whatever you do and I will respect your decisions but don’t do that to yourself. I shared the cans and I still experienced a great onslaught of monster force. I’ve learned now. Caffeine affects handwriting, a lot of sugar can make you feel like your epidermis is electric, and sugar crash might not be a ploy created by vegetable companies to sell more vegetables. Still, would I do it again? Yes. For you.
Finally, I present my official ranking of some of the most popular Monster Energy flavors:

1. Mango Loco
2. Pipeline Punch
3. Original Monster
4. Zero Ultra
5. Pacific Punch